Thunderstorms and a head full of CURLS

me, yesterday-pissed off and bored.

Okay, so, I had a fit on Friday, screaming, punching my walls, kicking them as well, breaking things,refusing to eat, then refusing to eat Saturday, and I still haven't eaten. I spent all day yesterday in my room, organizing, writing, tumbling--- which might I say is extremely addictive and an ego-booster as well.
Geena, yet again persuaded me to re-open my Deviant Art account, I always listen to her. She's my solid rock. I'm still uploading and organizing so I will post the link when all is well.
On the sour note. I have a psychiatric appointment tomorrow and school starts in a week. Not sure if it's for better or for worse---but alas, I will indeed find out.
TrueBlood is on tonight I really, really, really want Sookie to end up with Eric, screw Bill. He's not a Norwegian Viking SEX GOD--- but Eric is!.
Maybe I'll write more today later, I have too many things running through my mind right now to concentrate on just one.


OHH! Totally forgot to mention. There was a killer thunderstorm yesterday and evry time there's a thunderstorm I run outside fully dressed and soak up the rain and all of the energy. I revitalizing and an extremely beautiful and personal moment. It makes me feel at one with myself and somewhat makes me feel like I'm a higher power, in a state of ecstasy and bliss. It's beautiful.
So I came inside soaking wet leaving a trail and drippings of water behind me. My family said I was crazy but I didn't hear them, I was so calm and peaceful. I changed out of my wet clothes, put on a big T-shirt and fell asleep. My hair was soaking wet from the rain water and it sent shivers down my spine.
I woke up this morning and my hair was was so soft and curly and beautiful, I am so happy right now, but I'm still not going to eat.

Dreams

Last night I was on the hone with my friend Geena for four and almost a half hours. We were just conversing about our lives, people, lace, and then the subject of dreams came up.
I was so relieved, because to me, I would much rather dream my whole life than to live it. I found out that we both have very realistic and complicated dreams, dreams that border the line between whats real and what's not. We were talking about our memories that aren't real and splendid a decent amount of time to explain a dream we once had. I told her about some of my recent dreams, and she did the same. It was a marvelous conversation and very well needed. When I speak with her, there is always this underlying understanding feeling between us. If she doesn't mind me saying so, I feel like we're very similar. I love her, I really do. And our conversations are some of the best I've ever had.
That being said, I've been aking some more pictures!!

I also went shopping again today and picked up these really beautiful grey and white tweed slacks and a sleeveless maroon ribbed knitting turtleneck. And three bra's!!!! They fit so well, I'm so happy, really, I am. I also bought a beautiful leather bound notebook with gold -lined pages and gorgeous candle. It smells so earthy with a bit of sweetness to it and it's colouring progresses from sage to hunter green; it's exquisite.

Cole Mohr

for City magazine. ohh, my god. He looks so amazing, and cleaned up a lot. I usually look at him and see this beautiful yet grimy boy. He's GORGEOUS.

awoken at 7:46 this morning.

DREAMS AND BONES

I can't remember what time I went to sleep, but, it was relatively early. It's the latest I have woken up in quite a few weeks. I've been waking up usually between 4:50 - 6:10. I woke up several last night though. I can't tell the difference between reality and my dreams anymore. I get the two confused several times a day. I'll recall what I did earlier, only to realize that I hadn't even been at that specific place or situation.
I've been really into Diane Arbus's photography lately, that, as well as David Lynch films. Especially his short films. They inspired me to somewhat take pictures of my own. i don't get out much due to my lack of social skills and wanting to, but I've been taking mostly self portraits and documentational pictures of my room and things I have. I'm not exactly sure why I'm taking pictures of myself, I don't really find myself that appealing or attractive-- not at the least, but for some reason, i feel like they're very conceptual and almost morbid, like, bothersome to look at. I play with the colours sometimes.
I made a TUMBLR yesterday, I've been playing around with the html to try and get a layout that I like, I suppose i like it, it could be better though.
Last week I watched Fur, for the first time, although it's mostly, imaginary, like a faerie tale almost, I found it so...... inspiring, moving, I cried. I hardly ever cry during films, It made me want to be there, doing everything they did.
I got really sidetracked. Well, anyways, I'm not very good with a camera but I try, I mostly paint and do a variety of other things, but I'll put some of the pictures that I've been doing up. I already have them as the header and footer of my blog. So, here it goes.

The first one is me, i did a multiple exposure digitally, the same was done with the second, it's made up of several pictures of the Polaroids i have on my wall taken at different angles.

I've been listening

to The Cure, non-stop!!
Okay, so I feel loads better than I did yesterday, but still not in general.I woke up at six fifty-nine, brushed my teeth, washed my face, came back into my room, made my bed, organized a bit, then lit some incense.

My dad just let my cat Muffin in, who's a bit, mental? and he is now chewing on my laptop.

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some more ramblings:



I tore down my walls.
Three years collected in a life-size box I've spent half of my life in.
I was cautious, prepared to peel each page separately off and then I realized--- what for?
I grabbed one corner and ripped my little heart away until my walls were naked and tattered.
Cream coloured walls, paint peeled off in elegantly scattered pieces.
My door is Apple Red.
My thoughts are no longer dead.
My futon is on the floor.
My door... my door is red with passion and anger.
Raw, skinned bare of it's prior white layers.
I placed twenty-eight Polaroids above my bed, above the place I rest my head.
My collection of vintage photographs are spaced meticulously above and to the right of the Polaroids.
Memories placed in a small frame.
I adore these memories.
Places, People, things.
Times that were more than decent and into a realm of ecstasy.
My walls are tattered and peeling.
My door is Red.
And the overbearingly large amount of objects that overflow my room--- overflow my heart.

sleepy eyes.

Life for me lately, has been far less than decent. I don't eat, I don't sleep, and if I do sleep, I sleep too much. To be honest, I just get so bored to death being home all the time. I don't think I have any real friends, except for one or two people with whom I speak to on a generally daily basis. At least I have something to get me past time, right? Well, since my last entry, I found two baby opossums, they were beautiful, and I loved them to bits, but I did the right thing and called the wildlife center, I figured they would take far better care of them, although I'm not sure they'd be capable of giving them enough love.

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some of my ramblings:

I find myself daydreaming, wishing I was someone and somewhere else.
Exploring and embracing all of the oddities and bizarre gifts of perfection we know nothing about.
I want to meet people; talents all their own that the were--- graced with, not anything one can learn.
Marvels of the world.
Marvels in my eyes.
Creatures and Freaks in others.
People: unappreciated and marvelous.
I want to be in a fantasy, I want to be some other time, some other place.
Lives don't mingle like entwined fingers, interlacing so graciously and provoking every raw emotion to burst out into it's true colour right before our very eyes.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever..... until the day I die , my dreams, and hopes, and made-up memories will overpower any experience that I've had here.
Reality isn't at all real if you don't want it to be.
Worlds far more greater than this can be unveiled in one's mind.
Worlds full of Marvels and Talent and People and Places I wish i knew so dearly.
It's just a thought.
I tend to dream a lot.

29 July, 2009

So, this is what I've been working on;
-making and fully stocking an etsy
-making jewelry
-making bags
-making dolls
-knitting
-crocheting
-making jewelry
-and really trying to get pictures of my outfits to put on lookbook ans chictopia.
I've been slacking on that and painting. I haven't painted or drawn in quite a while, I've basically been making other things to keep myself busy and sane, but I'm clearly not the second of the two.

I wish I could disappear into NYC and only emerge when i feel it necessary and the right moment for people to be moved and inspired by what i do. I can't help but feeling sorry for myself.
Last night I saw Gogol Bordello for the second time. They were brilliant, as always, but during their performance... I made some friends. They were Italian, all three of them. One was unimpressionable, one was obnoxious but enjoyable and quick witted, and the third- he was wonderful. Extremely well dressed( black and white horizontal undershirt, cotton button down with crocheted trimming on the back of the collar line and cuffs, well structured black cap, lovely fitting slacks, and beautiful framed that looked as if the wwre fron the gold and wood collection) He was extremely polite and good looking, of course! But, me being self conscience and dumb, i didn't get his number.. I will never see him again and I will forever be upset about my stupidity.

I promise I will blog a lot more, cross my fingers.

hello, again.

It has been quite a while since I last posted, I'm sure I'm writing this to myself being as that no one really reads this.
I've been thinking a lot lately; for the past few weeks I have been in a state of persona that I really despise, I've had more panic attacks and anxiety attacks in a few short weeks than I have had in the past several months. I had gotten better in the fall, right before my first semester of university began. It seems to have creeped up on me towards the end of my second semester.
This feeling of disembodiment and irrelevancy has taken over me, I'm not important, at all! and I can't figure out why I'm here. I had a sudden change of thought this one night while watching an art documentary on this schizophrenic street artist in New York City. An art dealer was being interviewed and he said that one out of every one-hundred three artist becomes known, and only one out of those ten found artists makes it big. Hearing that broke me.
I know that if I can't make it as an artist, there's nothing in this world that i am capable of doing, nothing! So I've decided, that I am going to apply to art schools in NYC for fall of 2010, if I get in, I know I won't be able to afford it, but I will do what ever is needed to be able to go. If I need to work a 9-5 office job sitting behind a desk to make ends-meat to be able to support myself, i wold kill myself. I mean, no offense to people who enjoy that, but I could and will never do that. I need to be creating things, constantly.
I must do something with my life, I need to travel and live like I'm suppose to, I want to go to art museums and cry whilst admiring at a Rothko. I just feel sad, all the time and worthless, and hopeless. I am hopeless.

video killed the radio star

my time has been inhabited

by making an array of non-related items.
I bought clay and sculpted Alice Liddell and the Cheshire cat. I sewed her a dress and she's all painted and I gave Cheshire-puss golden whiskers. I want to build a wooden box and create a scene in it. a while ago, whilst in a field at night, I collected a few stray twigs. They are going to be holding the Cheshire cat up. Alice shall be sitting on the ground holding a piece of mushroom, and the flowers will be laughing at her. It will be splendid. I'm so excited.
I also made a painting. I'll post pictures up later.

ohh!

I sewed on another moleskine. It's human hair, a magazine clipping and gold thread.Ohh! andI've discovered Polyvore a while ago and was too intimidated to actually put anything together. Well, I finally did... and here they are!


I must say, by ohh lovely

looking quite dapper. by ohh lovely

countryside by ohh lovely

lazy day, by ohh lovely

The Raven by ohh lovely

the thrift store missed me.

Yesterday i woke up early and I really, really wanted to go thrifting, being as I haven't in a few months. When I arrived I was so thrilled. You must understand what I go through. I wear a nine and a half to a size ten shoe, and I can never, ever, find shoes at thrift stores that are my size. well. not only did they have my size, but there were these beautiful, lace-up, black velvet, Victorian silhouetted heels that had gold interlacing on the sides. I saw them and froze, they were magnificent! And when I checked the size I was of course prepared to set these beauties down due to my shoe size, but behold! They were a size nine and a half!!!! I was thrilled!!! I found other shoes as well, some beautiful Nine West leather, gold, and a pair of creme coloured leather heels with lavender and mauve snake skin detailing. They are all quite attractive, I must say.
So, after I raided and conquered the zone of shoes, I went to where the sweaters and jackets are kept. I found this wonderful monotone,knit wool sweater with leather detailing. I loved it at once. And I've been looking for a denim jacket for the longest time and I finally found one! Vintage Levi Jeans Denim jacket for three dollars. I was ecstatic. I grabbed both the sweater and jacket and ventured to the wall covered with bags. You see, I have an eye for spotting good leather. And by good, I obviously mean superb. I once found an Hobo International, vintage, over sized tote bag and scored it for only four dollars. Well, I found a beautiful little leather purse with some light rouching on the flap and I picked it up. This was quite a victorious day, twas indeed.

moleskine's sewn

On Tuesday I went to Barnes and Noble and bought myself some MOLESKINE journals. I decided to sew on them, I might just buy more to do the very same. They came out quite lush, and I must say, i adore the outcome of them both.

two thousand nine.

Ohh, a new year, how lovely! First off, I'd like to mention how wonderful my night was, honestly, it was perfect. The night started at around seven-o-clock and whilst we ventured to Elia's house, I realized I should call the parentals and let them know I was spending the night. When we arrived at the house, only a few people were there. So we prepared the alcohol and other paraphernalia and decided that we should prepare a few drinks while we were at it. We mixed orange juice and sky vodka and the few of us had a drink. More people arrived, you see, we usually get a variety of "randoms" as we like to call them. We call them "randoms" because we won't see these unnamed people in quite a long time, and then when word get's out that we'll be having a close-knit get-together, they all tend to wind up at out little hob-nob. Thankfully, no randoms made an appearance on this festive night of a brand new year. We went to patio and broke out the hookah and put on some lovely tunes that were old favorites of ours. We ranted on about nothing and everything. Drank a few bears, had a few laughs, watched the ball drop, talked some more, drank some more, smoked some more, and fell asleep to wanke up the next morning hungover, still tired, and hungry. It was a beautiful night and we wanted sustenants. We decided to go to a diner called Bogart's and we all ordered the same thing. 2 eggs, a bagel, and home-fries. for four dollars, that sounded like a brilliant idea. We ate, laughed some more, told stories of the night before to peple who didn't remember and then I went home. I went home and fell asleep. It was a delightful New Years Eve and a delightful New Years Day.
Till next time,
Adieu.