hello, again.

It has been quite a while since I last posted, I'm sure I'm writing this to myself being as that no one really reads this.
I've been thinking a lot lately; for the past few weeks I have been in a state of persona that I really despise, I've had more panic attacks and anxiety attacks in a few short weeks than I have had in the past several months. I had gotten better in the fall, right before my first semester of university began. It seems to have creeped up on me towards the end of my second semester.
This feeling of disembodiment and irrelevancy has taken over me, I'm not important, at all! and I can't figure out why I'm here. I had a sudden change of thought this one night while watching an art documentary on this schizophrenic street artist in New York City. An art dealer was being interviewed and he said that one out of every one-hundred three artist becomes known, and only one out of those ten found artists makes it big. Hearing that broke me.
I know that if I can't make it as an artist, there's nothing in this world that i am capable of doing, nothing! So I've decided, that I am going to apply to art schools in NYC for fall of 2010, if I get in, I know I won't be able to afford it, but I will do what ever is needed to be able to go. If I need to work a 9-5 office job sitting behind a desk to make ends-meat to be able to support myself, i wold kill myself. I mean, no offense to people who enjoy that, but I could and will never do that. I need to be creating things, constantly.
I must do something with my life, I need to travel and live like I'm suppose to, I want to go to art museums and cry whilst admiring at a Rothko. I just feel sad, all the time and worthless, and hopeless. I am hopeless.