Thunderstorms and a head full of CURLS

me, yesterday-pissed off and bored.

Okay, so, I had a fit on Friday, screaming, punching my walls, kicking them as well, breaking things,refusing to eat, then refusing to eat Saturday, and I still haven't eaten. I spent all day yesterday in my room, organizing, writing, tumbling--- which might I say is extremely addictive and an ego-booster as well.
Geena, yet again persuaded me to re-open my Deviant Art account, I always listen to her. She's my solid rock. I'm still uploading and organizing so I will post the link when all is well.
On the sour note. I have a psychiatric appointment tomorrow and school starts in a week. Not sure if it's for better or for worse---but alas, I will indeed find out.
TrueBlood is on tonight I really, really, really want Sookie to end up with Eric, screw Bill. He's not a Norwegian Viking SEX GOD--- but Eric is!.
Maybe I'll write more today later, I have too many things running through my mind right now to concentrate on just one.


OHH! Totally forgot to mention. There was a killer thunderstorm yesterday and evry time there's a thunderstorm I run outside fully dressed and soak up the rain and all of the energy. I revitalizing and an extremely beautiful and personal moment. It makes me feel at one with myself and somewhat makes me feel like I'm a higher power, in a state of ecstasy and bliss. It's beautiful.
So I came inside soaking wet leaving a trail and drippings of water behind me. My family said I was crazy but I didn't hear them, I was so calm and peaceful. I changed out of my wet clothes, put on a big T-shirt and fell asleep. My hair was soaking wet from the rain water and it sent shivers down my spine.
I woke up this morning and my hair was was so soft and curly and beautiful, I am so happy right now, but I'm still not going to eat.

Dreams

Last night I was on the hone with my friend Geena for four and almost a half hours. We were just conversing about our lives, people, lace, and then the subject of dreams came up.
I was so relieved, because to me, I would much rather dream my whole life than to live it. I found out that we both have very realistic and complicated dreams, dreams that border the line between whats real and what's not. We were talking about our memories that aren't real and splendid a decent amount of time to explain a dream we once had. I told her about some of my recent dreams, and she did the same. It was a marvelous conversation and very well needed. When I speak with her, there is always this underlying understanding feeling between us. If she doesn't mind me saying so, I feel like we're very similar. I love her, I really do. And our conversations are some of the best I've ever had.
That being said, I've been aking some more pictures!!

I also went shopping again today and picked up these really beautiful grey and white tweed slacks and a sleeveless maroon ribbed knitting turtleneck. And three bra's!!!! They fit so well, I'm so happy, really, I am. I also bought a beautiful leather bound notebook with gold -lined pages and gorgeous candle. It smells so earthy with a bit of sweetness to it and it's colouring progresses from sage to hunter green; it's exquisite.

Cole Mohr

for City magazine. ohh, my god. He looks so amazing, and cleaned up a lot. I usually look at him and see this beautiful yet grimy boy. He's GORGEOUS.

awoken at 7:46 this morning.

DREAMS AND BONES

I can't remember what time I went to sleep, but, it was relatively early. It's the latest I have woken up in quite a few weeks. I've been waking up usually between 4:50 - 6:10. I woke up several last night though. I can't tell the difference between reality and my dreams anymore. I get the two confused several times a day. I'll recall what I did earlier, only to realize that I hadn't even been at that specific place or situation.
I've been really into Diane Arbus's photography lately, that, as well as David Lynch films. Especially his short films. They inspired me to somewhat take pictures of my own. i don't get out much due to my lack of social skills and wanting to, but I've been taking mostly self portraits and documentational pictures of my room and things I have. I'm not exactly sure why I'm taking pictures of myself, I don't really find myself that appealing or attractive-- not at the least, but for some reason, i feel like they're very conceptual and almost morbid, like, bothersome to look at. I play with the colours sometimes.
I made a TUMBLR yesterday, I've been playing around with the html to try and get a layout that I like, I suppose i like it, it could be better though.
Last week I watched Fur, for the first time, although it's mostly, imaginary, like a faerie tale almost, I found it so...... inspiring, moving, I cried. I hardly ever cry during films, It made me want to be there, doing everything they did.
I got really sidetracked. Well, anyways, I'm not very good with a camera but I try, I mostly paint and do a variety of other things, but I'll put some of the pictures that I've been doing up. I already have them as the header and footer of my blog. So, here it goes.

The first one is me, i did a multiple exposure digitally, the same was done with the second, it's made up of several pictures of the Polaroids i have on my wall taken at different angles.

I've been listening

to The Cure, non-stop!!
Okay, so I feel loads better than I did yesterday, but still not in general.I woke up at six fifty-nine, brushed my teeth, washed my face, came back into my room, made my bed, organized a bit, then lit some incense.

My dad just let my cat Muffin in, who's a bit, mental? and he is now chewing on my laptop.

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some more ramblings:



I tore down my walls.
Three years collected in a life-size box I've spent half of my life in.
I was cautious, prepared to peel each page separately off and then I realized--- what for?
I grabbed one corner and ripped my little heart away until my walls were naked and tattered.
Cream coloured walls, paint peeled off in elegantly scattered pieces.
My door is Apple Red.
My thoughts are no longer dead.
My futon is on the floor.
My door... my door is red with passion and anger.
Raw, skinned bare of it's prior white layers.
I placed twenty-eight Polaroids above my bed, above the place I rest my head.
My collection of vintage photographs are spaced meticulously above and to the right of the Polaroids.
Memories placed in a small frame.
I adore these memories.
Places, People, things.
Times that were more than decent and into a realm of ecstasy.
My walls are tattered and peeling.
My door is Red.
And the overbearingly large amount of objects that overflow my room--- overflow my heart.

sleepy eyes.

Life for me lately, has been far less than decent. I don't eat, I don't sleep, and if I do sleep, I sleep too much. To be honest, I just get so bored to death being home all the time. I don't think I have any real friends, except for one or two people with whom I speak to on a generally daily basis. At least I have something to get me past time, right? Well, since my last entry, I found two baby opossums, they were beautiful, and I loved them to bits, but I did the right thing and called the wildlife center, I figured they would take far better care of them, although I'm not sure they'd be capable of giving them enough love.

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some of my ramblings:

I find myself daydreaming, wishing I was someone and somewhere else.
Exploring and embracing all of the oddities and bizarre gifts of perfection we know nothing about.
I want to meet people; talents all their own that the were--- graced with, not anything one can learn.
Marvels of the world.
Marvels in my eyes.
Creatures and Freaks in others.
People: unappreciated and marvelous.
I want to be in a fantasy, I want to be some other time, some other place.
Lives don't mingle like entwined fingers, interlacing so graciously and provoking every raw emotion to burst out into it's true colour right before our very eyes.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever..... until the day I die , my dreams, and hopes, and made-up memories will overpower any experience that I've had here.
Reality isn't at all real if you don't want it to be.
Worlds far more greater than this can be unveiled in one's mind.
Worlds full of Marvels and Talent and People and Places I wish i knew so dearly.
It's just a thought.
I tend to dream a lot.